Self-care

Hey all! Sorry for the delay in making a new post. I have a post all typed about my helmet and the title of my blog, but there’s a snag. For the post to make sense I need to put pictures in. At the moment, I’m having an issue uploading photos so stay tuned for that! My resistance to typing up an alternative post leads quite nicely to my topic. I did not want to do a different post first because I am a bit of a perfectionist. I feel the need to finish what I’m currently working on before starting something new. This leads me to my point, self-care.

Self-care is something I struggle with. Allowing myself to take a break or slow down rarely occurs to me and when it does I resist at all costs. It is a bit of a shift for me. I used to be a habitual quitter. I have come to realize lately that no matter the emotional or physical cost to myself I continue to push. My theory it has to do with my need to be “a productive member of society.” I’m sure many of you have heard me spout that phrase on many occasions. The definition for that is versatile so I use it to my detriment. Whether I’m pushing myself to finish whatever ridiculous cleaning project I’ve started or pushing myself to be social or do things when I’m emotionally spent it’s not a good habit by any means. Good news, I am aware of it and have been trying to catch myself in the moment. For example, today I’m exhausted and have a headache. My brain is telling me I don’t have the right to be exhausted since I haven’t done much so I should suck it up. I caught it this time in the moment so I took a short nap. Ok, fine! You caught me, I didn’t take a nap. I laid down in bed for an hour and thought about all the things I could be getting done. It was a nice physical break, although my bff anxiety ruined any emotional down time.

I recently read an analogy that fits this post well. I do not recall the source and I won’t be as eloquent as the original so bear with me. A woman was at the doctor and he told her she was a penguin. He went on to explain that although you’re a penguin, you are surrounded by sparrows. You enjoy spending time with your sparrow friends. You can go out to eat or go for walks. Everything is great until the sparrows want to fly. You’re a penguin, you can’t fly. You can still appreciate your sparrow friends and they you, but you can’t fly together. You weren’t meant to fly. You aren’t built to fly. The overall point here is limits. In my current state, I need breaks and quiet time. I need to learn to accept that is ok. I’m not meant to fly at the moment. For now, I’m a penguin. Hell, I can’t fly, but I can swim! Ok, not sure what the real-world equivalent of swimming is, but you get the point! We all have strengths and weaknesses. I may have had this condition for five years now, but my limits are constantly ebbing and flowing. It’s still a daily process to figure them out.

For those who are in my inner circle, you are all aware I cancel plans a lot, this is why. I have no idea what kind of shape I’ll be in until I’m I the moment. I’m constantly pushing myself to the breaking point and end up canceling. Some days it’s just to people-y to leave the house. This stinks for everyone involved. The bright side is I’m now aware of it and I’m trying to do better. Not only am I trying to give myself more breaks, I’m trying to teach myself that breaks are not me giving up or a sign of weakness.

Along similar lines I feel this issue of self-care and ignoring my limits also has to do with my varying degrees of acceptance of my illness. When this all started, I was under the impression that I would be quickly diagnosed and the problem would be fixed. For years, I was convinced the next doctor would figure it out. If not that doctor, then the doctor after them. It took me a long time to come to the level of acceptance I have. I had to take a step back and decide if I wanted to live life waiting for this illness to be cured or to live my life around it. Choosing to live my life around this illness was a huge step for me. All that that entails is a whole other blog post.

I want to finish up by telling you all self-care is not just for the chronically ill. Life is hard, demanding, and never fair. If you need that nap take it! If you deserve a treat, go for it! The phrase I’ve been telling myself lately is that you can’t pour from an empty cup. I want to wish you all over flowing cups.